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2006-12-18T20:34:00.000-08:00

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Sample Post

2006-11-19T18:18:00.000-08:00

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Checking In

2006-02-14T14:18:00.000-08:00

Yeah, I know. It's been a while. I do think about blogging almost every day when things come up and I think "I need to tell the internet about that." But it's always when I'm in the car or the shower or someplace where a computer is completely inaccessible.

...Not that there are actually that many things in the shower that I feel the need to tell you about...but you get the idea.

So here's a really random fast update because when I am near a computer, it's because I'm at work and completely swamped with things to do.

Button turns 4 months old this week. She's going through a growth spurt and eating us out of house and home. Consequently, we're starting cereal and soon other solids. I guess the days of odor-free diapers are quickly coming to an end.
After a bout of food poisoning over a week ago, my milk supply is finally starting to show up again. There's no way I'm going to be able to catch up to her eating habbits now, so we've been forced to suppliment with formula.
She's babbling now. Blah, Blah, Blah. She wakes up talking to herself and goes to sleep chattering. We know she's asleep after the noises start sounding like yawns and get quieter and longer until they eventually drift away. But if there's something to complain about, she'll give you an earful. Gripe, gripe, gripe, it's like getting a lecture from a very long-winded teacher.
J is trying to get her to say "Dada" and each time he says "Can you say Da-Da? Da-Da??" she looks at him and laughs, like "You silly little man."
I have a new addiction. The clearance racks of the baby section in Dillards. Yikes.
Button was dedicated this past sunday at church. She got lots of "oohs" and "awwws" and looked adorable in her flouncey dress. Pictures hopefully coming soon. She slept through the whole thing, which is her way when things get loud. We were right in front of the speakers that broadcast to a 10,000 person auditorium. I don't know how she does that.
Congrats to LEIGH who had her baby on Groundhog Day!!! I hope to get to see little Madelyn soon!
Congrats to TODD & KATHY who are having a baby sometime in the next 8 months or so!
This Whole Mess absolutely disgusts me. It's a CARTOON, people. GET OVER IT and have a little self-control. Having someone poke fun at your religion - which, by the way, has been going on for centuries with EVERY RELIGION KNOWN TO MAN - is absolutely in no way a reason to start KILLING, VANDALIZING and/or RETALIATING in the completely inappropriate manner we have seen so far. That is sick and unjustifiable. Muhammad himself would be embarrassed to be associated with this kind of violence.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to return to work. After which, I must go burn down Canada as retribution for South Park.

Wishful Thinking

2006-01-21T11:53:00.000-08:00

"You missed it - she said "hi" while you were gone."

"No she didn't."

"Yes, yes she did! It sounded like this...'Haaaii!'"

"She's been making that sound since she was 3 weeks old."

"No, it was a WORD this time, I swear! I asked her if she could say it and she DID!"

"Babies don't talk at 3 months."

"She did. I heard her. She's a genious."

"You're delusional."

"You'll see. Her next word is going to be 'MAMA.'"

Embarassing Moment #216

2006-01-19T11:58:00.000-08:00

This is the face my boss saw when he walked into my office the other day while I had my shirt pulled up to my neck and was in the middle of using my breast pump. It went something like this...

Him: (knocking on door)

Me: DON'T COME IN!

Him: (opening the door)

Me: (hiding behind computer monitor)

Him: Did you get an email from so-and-so?

Me: What the...??? If I say no, will you GO AWAY???

I'm still not sure if he even noticed. I was very grateful for a well-placed computer monitor. Perhaps I should start hanging a sign outside my door.

We still don't have a nanny for Button, which means that as of February 20th, we'll be in a bit of a pickle. Ideally, J's home-based business that he is trying to put together will take off just in time to generate enough income that he can work from home and be there with her. But we're not exactly counting on it.

Measuring Stick

2006-01-18T14:00:00.000-08:00

I was wondering when this would start. It's inevitable, I think. I'm reading my weekly "Your Baby" email and see:

"Your baby may be strong enough now to do mini-pushups, lifting her head and chest off the ground for a better view. To encourage her, try placing her on her stomach on a play mat for short periods of time every day. You'll be surprised at how quickly she learns to raise her upper body to see what's going on around her."

...and my first thought is oh no, Button has no interest or ability at ALL to do mini-push ups! My child is developmentally behind!

It's true. We try to put her on her stomach for "tummy time." It just pisses her off. She can't push up and doesn't see the need to. She cries and looks at us like, "You idiots, did I look like I WANTED to do a face plant in the carpet??? Now stand me up so I can tell the baby in the mirror all about it."

She loves to practice standing, so my only solace is to hope that she'll just skip crawling all together and go straight to walking. My child isn't developmentally deficient, she's a GENIUS. So there.

Let me tell you where to PUT THAT JUNE BUG

2006-01-11T15:55:00.000-08:00

"I'm tempted to wear a sleeveless shirt today because it's been so HOT in our office recently. But I know as soon as I do, they'll fix the heat and I'll freeze to death."

"Kind of like a june bug when it falls in the pool?"

"I'M GOING TO HURT YOU."

Your mom's a june bug.

2006-01-11T15:52:00.000-08:00

"This mobile of Kaelin's is the coolest baby toy ever."

"Yeah, it's kind of like a june bug."

"SHUT UP."

I got your june bug. I got your june bug RIGHT HERE.

2006-01-11T15:38:00.000-08:00

When I was younger, in my everpresent desire to express goodwill to the animal kingdom, I would often tour the pool's skimmer baskets to rescue frogs and other happless little creatures that found themselves entrapped.

One of my charity cases was June Bugs. By the time I found them in the skimmer, they were usually dead, but if I happened to see one fly into the pool, I would scoop it up and set it on the side. Much to my frustration, the rescued creatures would often immediately take another nose dive into the pool toward as though they had a death wish...and zero appreciation for my attempts of salvation.

Not the smartest members of creation.

In another effort to rescue a hapless creature yesterday, I put our cat on the opposite side of the pet gate as the dog, in an effort to salvage the fur he has left after an intense wrestling match. J witnessed the situation.

"He must enjoy getting mauled by the dog. I did the same thing last night and he just jumped right back over."

"I know, it's an endless cycle. It's like a june bug that dives right back into the pool."

"Yeah...he's like a...june...bug."

"SHUT UP."

Sigh.

2006-01-11T07:30:00.000-08:00

The Nanny quit today. This is a bad day. And the rotten headache I've had since last night doesn't help either.

Got Milk?

2006-01-09T14:54:00.000-08:00

I know breastfeeding is supposed to make my kid smarter, but I swear it's making me dumber. Or perhaps the fact that I never get more than 3 consecutive hours of sleep is finally catching up to me.

I just looked at my calendar, which has next monday marked as MLK (Martin Luther King) Day and I totally thought it said MILK DAY.

Good, Bad & Ugly

2005-12-31T18:05:00.000-08:00

Good: Baby.

Bad: Baby spit-up.

Ugly: Baby spit-up in mom's hair.

If only she would stay this easy to please...

2005-12-20T14:03:00.000-08:00

One day Little Button will be a teenager and she'll start listening to all the funky new radio stations playing the wacky music that her father and I simply cannot understand the coolness of. And she'll probably call in on occasion with her friends to see if they can win the "caller number xx" contests for a free trip to Cancun or a new Louis Vuitton purse. And one day she might actually get through on the line and be put on hold so the DJ can talk to her on the air. And they may even tell her that she's won the new sports car of her dreams, in electric red.

And I think her elation at that moment will still not equal the ecstatic joy that emanates from her when we turn the wheel on the mobile that makes the little animals go around again.

The Hard Way

2005-12-12T12:23:00.000-08:00

Lesson #41.

Today I had chicken fried rice for lunch. I like ordering chicken fried rice because they always give you enough for two meals and it keeps pretty well for a few days.

Today I ate the entire dish of chicken fried rice.

Bad idea. Bad bad idea.

Who let the dog out (woof woof woof...)

2005-12-07T07:34:00.000-08:00

In the past several days, Hastings has escaped twice for a run around the neighborhood. Shiba Inus are natural runaways, and since we lost our previous dog to a speeding car during a similar escapade, we tend to be a bit paranoid about "letting the dog out." But things happen and after two years of confinement, Hastings darted out after the sweet aroma of freedom and I felt my heart leap into my throat as I ran after him with flashbacks of my bleeding puppy laying limp in the road.

We managed to catch him both times - a miracle in and of itself, as a shiba on the loose is faster than a cheetah with its tale on fire - so this story does have a happy ending. The other miracle is that he allowed himself to be trapped in the same space twice, a mistake he usually doesn't make the first time.

Through the ordeal, it became glaringly apparent what a role upheaval our household has gone through since Button's birth. During the first year we had him, Hastings escaped and I came very close to a nervous breakdown, even after we caught him. J came home to a very exhausted and teary wife who was quite ready to give the dog up because I couldn't endure the stress of it.

But this week we both found ourselves able to take the incident more or less in stride - a good thing, because if he had escaped twice in 4 days a year ago, it would probably have sent me over the edge. This four-legged rocket that used to be our child has now, to his confusion, been reduced to the role of the family pet. Now that we actually have a child, our lives and well-being are not so entertwined with the dog's and, though it would be a tragedy, we would be able to function if something happened to him.

Now let's just hope Button doesn't run away any time soon.

Technically Speaking

2005-12-02T13:47:00.000-08:00

We've been duped. We just found out that in the phrase "sleeping through the night," the term sleeping carries approximately the same significance as the term slumber in "slumber party." What a misnomer.

All the books and baby know-it-alls say that most babies start "sleeping through the night" between 7 and 9 weeks of age, so we were expecting soon to be putting her in her crib at night and not waking (or being woken) until approximately 8 hours later.

We've been a little disturbed, however, because even though Button is just about to be 7 weeks old, it is apparent that we're not going to get 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep any time soon, barring some miracle sleeping potion or coma. She still needs to eat every 2.5-3 hours during the night, and I can't imagine her suddenly being able to go a full 8 hours without food.

Found out last night that "sleeping through the night" doesn't actually count mid-night feedings...it just means that the kid usually sleeps during the night time when she's not eating.

Well she's been doing that for weeks. And here we were getting worried about her developmental progress.

Apparently we don't get the full 8 hours until sometime around a year or so. Bummer.

Circus Clown in Training

2005-11-15T08:17:00.000-08:00

Every day is a new creative venture of trying to find techniques that deter crying fits. Each method expires quickly and seems to lose its effect within a day or two, so the need for new anti-cry defenses is a constant void needing to be filled. At each successful attempt, I give myself Supermom Points, highly cherished and full of kudos. Oh, and each Supermom Point also comes with a handful of candy out of the M&M's jar.

Don't get me wrong, she's a very good child in general, and doesn't really cry that often. She spends most of her day sleeping, eating or pushing out farts that rattle the house like a nuclear explosion followed by a 3.0 earthquake. Note to self to see if our home warranty covers drywall repair due to natural disaster from baby bottom.

She is, however, getting to the stage where when awake, she wants to be entertained. But is not yet at the stage at which she can hold and investigate things, watch things further than about 18 inches away, or move by herself. She therefore gets a little frustrated during the awake times.

Enter Mommy.

Yesterday we had a rousing game of romping around the house to "Paul Has a Head Like a Ping Pong Ball." By the time we got to the first chorus of "ping-pong-ping-pong-ping-pong-ball," teary eyes had morphed into wide open eyes which stared at me with a look of "Are you completely insane?"

Success. 1 Supermom Point for me. If I keep this up, they're going to have to name a pacifier after me or something.

Twilight Zone

2005-11-14T09:00:00.000-08:00

It's fascinating how babies can completely defy the laws of nature, day in and day out.

For instance, how is it physically possible for someone so small to produce so much laundry? Blankets, bibs, onsies, gowns, booties, sheets, cloths, towels...I have been trying for a week and a half to get some of our clothes washed, but can't seem to get it done because of the neverending pile of baby laundry that needs washing, folding and putting away. I once thought there was no possible way we could go through the 2,021 blankets and onesies we have for her, but alas...I was wrong. Our washer seems to be in constant cycle.

And have you ever noticed that the amount of waste product expelled by a baby seems largely disproportional to the amount of nutrition taken in? Where does it all come from??? I wonder the same when she spits up approximately half a gallon of white gooey stuff, when I have just witnessed the fact that she only drank 3 oz of milk. Isn't there some scientific law that says you can't produce something out of nothing? Obviously they haven't tested it on infants.

And how is it that even though she sleeps 16 hours a day, I still can't find the time to get things done? Where does the time go?

What is this 6th sense that KNOWS, no matter how deeply asleep she appears, the exact moment when I have stopped rocking her and placed her in the crib...and then insists that she WAKE UP? And that she be DECIDEDLY UNHAPPY ABOUT IT. WHY??? WHY???

And why does she have to be SO DARN CUTE that half the time after I've spent an hour trying to get her to go to sleep so I can get things done, once she drifts off I find myself unable to put her down and sit staring at her little nose and chin for unreasonable periods of time.

Sometime today I will find time to brush my teeth, and take this ridiculous bun out of my hair so I can dry it. Sometime. But in the meantime, just so you know, she's adorable when she sleeps with her mouth open.

Along came my Little Button

2005-11-11T10:04:00.000-08:00

Once upon a time, I had this idea that Stay-At-Home-Moms had more time on their hands during the day than any person really needed.

Once upon a time, I understood that showering was the first priority upon waking in the morning.
Once upon a time, I completely underestimated the value of being able to pick up blankets, tissues and nail clippers off the floor with my toes.
Once upon a time, the idea of washing dishes and tying shoes with one arm was absurd.

Once upon a time the notion of "sleep when the baby sleeps" sounded so simple.

Once upon a time I had time to blog at least once every few days and looked with scorn upon those who let their blogs slip into dormacy for weeks at a time.

Once upon at time, I remembered what 8 hours of continuous sleep felt like.

And then one day, I became a mom. And all the rules went out the window.

And were replaced with one beautiful face and a never-ending appetite.

NOTE TO SPAMMERS

2005-10-09T18:22:00.000-07:00

DO NOT use the comments part of my website to link to your personal agenda.

It may appear that I haven't paid much attention to this site, but make no mistake: I WILL immediately delete you post regardless of how flattering you attempt to be about my site, even though it's obvious you haven't even looked at it.

Tick Tock

2005-10-09T18:11:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I swear this kid is trying to come out via my belly button. She doesn't seem to have any intention of actually coming out any time soon via the right direction. But she sure has become active during the day and has recently been experimenting with attempting the splits. OUCH.

The good news, I guess, is that the gymnastics seem to be during the day, as opposed to at night. But I'm getting a little battered and more than a little ready to be done.

Looking forward to the day when people can come up with something to say to me besides comments about how enormous my belly is. Like the greeter at church that just laughs when she sees me coming through the door.

YES I GET IT, PEOPLE. I LOOK LIKE A FREAK AN NOBODY CAN FIGURE OUT WHY I'M NOT FALLING FORWARD. I'M GLAD I CAN ENTERTAIN YOU.

Fortunately, my doctor has agreed to an induction on the 17th if baby hasn't come by then. At least I know I won't be going past that date. Still seems like a lifetime away from now though...

Catching a Breath

2005-09-23T19:14:00.000-07:00

I know, I know, I'm getting dangerously close to Tequila Mockingbird status, seeing that it's been almost a month since the last posting.

But they say no news is good news, which is really the case here. Fact is, our little company is starting to really take off and the new increased business is seriously cutting into my normal blog time...hence the fact that I'm blogging on a Friday night, instead of a weekday afternoon. And no, I don't want to hear about what that says about my social life.

In short, life has been fast and furious, and frankly I have been enjoying it that way.

Going to the doctor for weekly checkups now, as we're nearing the end. So far, baby has moved down "into position" and I'm 1 cm dialated. I don't think that really means anything other than "yes, I am actually going to have this baby some day." But for now, we'll take it.

I have informed my doctor that I am simply not interested in getting any bigger, and made it very clear to this child that if she has any desire to come before the due date, we will welcome her with open arms. Can't wait to see my toes again. Had to inform J the other day that I simply cannot do any more dishes on account of being unable to get close enough to the sink to reach adequately.

Aw shucks.

Methinks the bosses are getting slightly anxious that I will decide to be a SAHM and not come back to work. I'm currently making very little effort to put their minds at ease. Not that I'm planning to go away, but the fact is, I want a new computer at work and have no moral objection to making them sweat a little bit in hopes that buying the computer will keep me around. Will let you know if it works.
There are three of us at the office now, since we hired Lisa to take over for me while I'm gone. That part is working out very well, and Lisa is going to be a great asset to the company. But things are growing so fast, the three of us are already constantly busy and Lisa is having to work close to full time, despite her orignal intentions of being part-time. They may have to hire somebody else to lighten the load while I'm gone. Can't complain about success though!

Looks like we could get some much-needed rain from Rita. Hopefully it will cool things down around here. Best of wishes to those in Houston & Galveston. I can't imagine what it would have been like to be stuck in that traffic on the way up here.

Time for a little R&R with a good Sherlock Holmes movie. Happy weekend!

Bring Me a Straight-Jacket

2005-08-25T12:41:00.000-07:00

I'm losing my mind. I can't find anything today. Pieces of paper that were RIGHT THERE on my desk have disappeared. Pages that I could swear I remember updating remain out of date. And best of all, I discovered the Microsoft Office installation disks I was using yesterday...in the refrigerator this morning.

God help me.

Miracles Never Cease

2005-08-22T12:52:00.000-07:00

Guess what I got in the mail this weekend?

MY TEXAS DRIVER LICENSE!!! IN THE RIGHT NAME!!! WITH THE RIGHT ADDRESS!!!

Just when you think you've seen everything, the Texas Department of Transportation finally gets it right.

Conflicted

2005-08-14T14:46:00.000-07:00

This morning I was reading a book my sister-in-law gave me, called First Time Mom. I had just gotten to Chapter 6, To Work or Not to Work? (outside the home).

This chapter would have been more appropriately named Why You Need to be a Stay at Home Mom.

Halfway through the chapter, J turns on the radio airing of our Sunday Morning Message, as we didn't attend church this morning due to the lack of anywhere to prop up my swollen foot. The message was part of a parenting series and began with Dr. Graham referencing an article called "The Case for Staying at Home."

OH COME ON.

Cute

2005-08-13T18:45:00.000-07:00

Shiba Inus are great practice for parenting. About half an hour ago, Hastings pulled every single toy out of his toybox, one by one, and played with them all enthusiastically, for about 5 minutes each. Now he is laying in the middle of a huge scattered circle of toys, completely zonked out.

Eww, Ow, and Holy Crap

2005-08-12T10:46:00.000-07:00

This past week has been a hard one, physically.

A week ago, I made the mistake of eating a grilled cheese sandwich with a glass of chocolate milk. Am I pregnant or what?

Anyway, the "mistake" part comes from the fact that I have certain food "sensitivities" which make my intestines react to the combination of certain foods, particularly those containing a lot of dairy products. At the time, it didn't occur to me at all until I found myself in the bathroom vomiting like I haven't done since I was five, and then enduring one of the most painful sessions of diarrhea I've ever known. Having endured many cases of grumpy intestines, that's saying a lot. This is the first time it's actually made me throw up.

The next day, I took a spill in the Chili's parking lot while trying to run shoeless to a car in a torrential downpour. Again, my fault. But it sounded like a good idea at the time. It sounded like less of a good idea when I found myself on the ground in a river of water with a banged-up ankle. The jury is still out on how I managed to scrape up the top of my ankle (and only the top of my ankle) while falling on my butt.

Yesterday, I went to the doctor with abdominal pressure, cramping, and lower back pain. After checking me for signs of preterm labor, the doctor determined that I have a bladder infection and gave me a prescription for antibiotics.

While filling the prescription, I decided - since infection in general can be bad for babies - that it couldn't hurt to pick up some Neosporin and band-aids for the ankle wound I had received in the parking lot several days before.

It hurt.

The wound, which I had been washing daily with antibacterial soap, had previously been only slightly swollen around the red area, but had scabbed over and been little more than an inconvenience on the road to recovery. The only real soreness came from the skin pulling on the new scab when I flexed my ankle.

Within four hours of taking my antibiotics and applying the Neosporin, my foot had swelled to the size of a water buffalo and was too painful to walk on. What had been a typical brown scab became yellow and pus-looking, and the redness had spread to a much larger area.

My bladder infection also picked this time to swing into a full-blown, too-painful-to-stand-up-straight, can't-find-a-position-that-doesn't-hurt problem.

Today, I am doing the John Merrick hobble around the house trying to find a position to sit or lay in that doesn't instill misery. Being seven months pregnant, I only have about 3 positions to choose from, and have found each to be more uncomfortable than the other two.

Having never had a bladder infection before, I'm not sure what they're normally like. But I can tell you that having one with a 3-lb baby sitting on top of it is comparable to having a very tempermental porcupine residing in my abdomen.

Here's hoping the antibiotics kick in, like, yesterday. And it will be a very long time before I drink another glass of cranberry juice.

Poof

2005-08-11T13:38:00.000-07:00

You know that switch on the power cord that cuts off the power? Yeah, don't kick that. The computer doesn't like it.

Say Cheese

2005-08-10T13:40:00.000-07:00

Went back to the DPS to re-do my license. Again. Got it taken care of, but the DPS guy made me take my picture twice because I wasn't smiling enough in the first one.

You mean it shows that I've already taken this picture three times and even you can't figure out why I have to come back in and take it again? Odd, that.

Department of Unbelievable Stupidity

2005-08-09T10:39:00.000-07:00

It's official. I am going to have to move to another state to get a driver license.

If you're hearing a "drip drip" noise, don't be alarmed. It's just the sanity draining out of my head.

Let's review:

Attempt #1 to Obtain Illusive Texas Driver License:
Sometime in April: I go to the DOT (or the DMV or the DPS, pick the acronym of your choice) to get a Texas Driver License to replace my Washington license.

Sometime in May: I receive said license but they have issued it to me in my maiden name. I have been married for FOUR YEARS. Every piece of ID I presented them with, as well as my signature, clearly stated my married name - and yet, I now have a driver license in my maiden name, which I don't even know how they GOT except that they must have had it on file from when I lived in Texas a long long time ago. Worse, they CONFISCATED my Washington Driver license so I now have no picture ID in my married name.

Attempt #2:
May 26: I call the DOT office where I received my license, and am told that nothing can be done unless I come in again and fill out new paperwork, give them a new signature and present the ID THAT THEY HAVE ALREADY CONFISCATED. I try explaining that the paperwork I filled out is already correct, my signature is already correct, and that they already have everything I could possibly give them in person. I am given the number to the Records office in Austin because that's where all my documents are.
I call the Austin office and speak to Amanda, and after explaining the situation twice, she says she can take care of it if I fax her a copy of my marriage license. I do so and receive a confirmation that the fax was successful. I specifically request in the fax cover sheet that she call me if she has any problems or questions, otherwise I will assume everything is ok and that I can expect the license in the mail as talked about.

Said license never shows up.

Attempt #3:
June 23: I moved and needed to change the address on my license. Due to time constraints, I am unable to truck myself down to the DPS again to straighten things out, so I simply change my address online and pay the $11 for them to send me a new license.

New license never arrives.

Attempt #4:
July 20: I call the DOT to find out what has happened to my license and am informed that it was mailed the previous Thursday. There is no reasonable explanation as to why a piece of mail should take a week to get from Austin to Carrollton. Yet, license has been sent regular mail without tracking information, so I have no choice but to wait.
I am also informed that my license is still listed under my maiden name. I explain the conversation I had with Amanda and that this should have been taken care of. I am told that it was not taken care of. Futhermore, no employee at the Austin office has the authority to do name changes (or even name corrections, apparently), and that since there are no notes on my account, I could not possibly have called this office before and talked to anybody named Amanda.
The employee makes it very clear that nobody at the Austin records office could make that change, that the only people authorized to take care of this situation are in the local offices because they have to examine the documents THAT ARE ALREADY ON FILE AT THE AUSTIN RECORDS OFFICE AND CONSEQUENTLY HAVE ALREADY BEEN EXAMINED IN PERSON.

I call the local DPS office AGAIN and relay what the Austin records department told me. They say they cannot possibly make a change without me coming in personally because they need my fingerprints, picture and signature. In order to make a simple correction, the Austin records office would have to take care of that and reissue the license because they are the only ones who have that information.

This is a prime example of the well-known efficiency of government offices.

I should add that I am trying to avoid going into the DOT office because to do so would mean having to take off work (because naturally, they're only open during business hours, when everybody is already BUSY), which my boss doesn't look upon too kindly because I'm planning to take over a month off in a few months for maternity leave.

Attempt #5:
July 20: I give up and haul myself down to the DPS office to change my license. The transaction is very easy and I'm in and out of the office in 15 minutes. WHY I HAD TO MAKE THE SPECIAL TRIP OVER HERE FOR SOMETHING SO INCREDIBLY SIMPLE COMPLETELY ESCAPES ME. After proofreading my temporary paper copy about 64 times, I am amazed that I'm finally going to get a license a) sent to me, and b) with the correct information.

Status Update:
License from Attempt #2 has never arrived.

License from Attempt #3 has never arrived.

License from Attempt #5 has never arrived.

August 8: A letter arrives...
"The Texas Driver License you recently applied for cannot be issued due to a processing error. Please present this letter to the driver license office nearest you for assistance in obtaining a corrected issue. We regret any inconvenience this delay may cause."

I hate the Texas Department of Transportation. Hate them all. This is me wishing cancer upon the entire organization...and making plans for a move to Colorado. I am seriously considering calling Austin and telling them that I want my Washington license back. Pull it out of your black hole files and MAIL IT BACK TO ME. I GIVE UP.

Ruffles Make it All Worthwhile

2005-08-02T11:55:00.000-07:00

Ah, the start of another month. A month closer to THE DAY in which our lives change forever. The ever-approaching day which still seems to be removed by at least half a lifetime.

Went to a baby shower the other day (not mine) in which I got a lesson in diapers. And was made futher aware that I know next to nothing about children. Or their bodily functions. Here's hoping that our child inherrits my intestinal tract so we don't go through quite as many diapers.

I was also informed that it's quite practical, and many parents find preferable, to use cloth diapers instead of disposables, because of their recyclable nature and cost-saving abilities. This I do not understand.

SCREW THE ENVIRONMENT, I AM NOT PUTTING POOP IN MY WASHING MACHINE.

As far as the cost factor, yes, I realize that disposable diapers are far more expensive than cloth diapers. But the way I see it, it's like owning a car instead of a bicycle. Exceedingly more expensive, yes. BUT YOU MAKE IT HAPPEN BECAUSE IT'S WORTH IT. I can eat Ramen.

On another note, I got my Old Navy order in today...and ran around showing off cute little green and yellow baby outfits. It was not actually my intention to go online and order baby clothes, seeing as how I have no baby yet, but I was ordering maternity clothes and got...distracted.

There is nothing cuter than a miniature pair of bluejeans with little ruffles at the bottom. And that's a fact.

Beware of Elephant!

2005-07-25T08:32:00.000-07:00

"What was that?"
"Did you see that guy across the parking lot?"
"Yes."
"He farted before he got in his car."
"That was a FART, are you serious? Is it humanly possible to fart that loud?"
"Apparently so. I saw him do 'the Squat' before he sat down and closed the door." (proceeds to mimick 'the Squat')
"That sounded like an elephant."
"Amazing."

Just so you know, if you set any kind of a world record for fart volume, even if you think nobody is around, someone is bound to hear it. And that someone will then proceed to tell the world about it on the internet.

And that someone's husband will also mimick you doing "the Squat," which will further provide entertainment in the form of mental replays.

Dibby Dibby Update

2005-07-20T13:44:00.000-07:00

The monotony of the disco cell phone tune was just interrupted by The Boss' cell phone. Which plays that really COOL RUSSIAN DANCING SONG.

Dibby Dibby

2005-07-20T13:19:00.000-07:00

I hate my boss's cell phone. For those who have kept up with previous work-related posts, I'm talking about Partner-Boss. Because he's the most popular person in the world and has more people trying to get in touch with him than God, it rings ALL THE TIME.

Dibby-dibby-doo-beepa-beepa-dibby-bing (insert pulsing background disco drum beats here).

And he never answers it. Never. Actually, that's not true. I did call him on it this morning and he answered, after which I promptly hung up on him because I figured I had the wrong number.

Dibby-dibby-doo-beepa-beepa-dibby-bing (insert pulsing background disco drum beats here).

If you don't intend to answer it, WHY IS IT ON? So the rest of the world can hear the incessant disco doorbell chime 64 times a day and DANCE??? I think not.

Dibby-dibby-doo-beepa-beepa-dibby-bing (insert pulsing background disco drum beats here).

I'm currently trying to write an instruction manual so that things won't fall apart when I'm gone on maternity leave. I just wrote that sentence to remind myself what exactly I'm trying to accomplish sitting here listening to

Dibby-dibby-doo-beepa-beepa-dibby-bing (insert pulsing background disco drum beats here).

It's not working.

Dibby-dibby-doo-beepa-beepa-dibby-bing-Dibby-dibby-doo-beepa-beepa-dibby-bing-Dibby-dibby-doo-beepa-beepa-dibby-bing!!!!

I need to go home now. Call in the guys in white jackets to tell me why I should stop banging my head on the desk.

Dibby...dibby...doo...

Bud's Sigh of Relief

2005-07-12T09:54:00.000-07:00

Well, Bud Selig is off the hook for the time being...at least until next year. He should be having his neck wrung today for completely ruining the Home Run Derby by attempting to turn it into the International Equality Derby and therefore completely destroying the whole POINT of the game - being to see the best of the best sluggers duke it out.

By all means, the fans should have been severly disappointed in last night's Derby episode, and I don't think anybody really had high hopes for it...

AND THEN ALONG CAME BOBBY ABREU.

First up to bat, he single-handedly broke all kinds of home run records, gave the crowd an amazing show, and consequently saved Bud Selig's neck.

Even David Ortiz' 17 homeruns in the first round, which broke the previous record of 16, was completely shadowed out by Abreu's 24. A bit of baseball history was made, and it was a beautiful site on our new plasma TV.

Bud, you had better buy the guy a gormet dinner for that. Or send his family on vacation for two weeks.

Other festivity highlights included Johnny Damon singing with the band, Pudge's kid getting totally pumped about his dad in the finals, and the kids falling all over each other in the field trying to catch the "outs".

Breakin' Up is Hard to Do

2005-07-07T10:18:00.000-07:00

Had to end things with the Fed Ex guy this week. You can tell by the added "the" in front of his title that this relationship was doomed to failure. He doesn't even get an official "Fed Ex Guy" name - just THE Fed Ex guy.

We have officially switched to DHL and have cancelled our Fex Ex daily pickup. But somehow, nobody told the Fed Ex Guy, so he came by anyway and saw a pile of DHL packages sitting outside our door.

Caught cheating. Oh the shame.

Jamie and I were hoping to get away without a confrontation but we should have known better. We knew we were in trouble when he strolled into Jamie's office and leaned on his dolly (usually a warning sign for "LOOK OUT - he's about to break into another 1960's hippie story). We tried to head it off, hoping he would just get the picture and go away.

"Got nothing for you today."

"You didn't have anything for me on Friday either. I came by and saw a bunch of DHL packages."

There was no avoiding it this time.

The crusher: "Yeah, we've switched to DHL."

Then came the excuses. "They're cheaper. And we can get supplies the same day if we run out. And the billing is easier. And they can pick up Ground and Express shipments."

All true enough. But essentially the courier equivilent of "It's not you, it's me. I just don't want to be in a relationship right now."

When what we really meant was "You talk too much. We don't have time - and when we do have time, we don't care - to listen to more stories of your hippie days. Or your constant teasing about 'did we come from our other dancing job' when we wear heels to work. Or incessant forced jokes about 'are we really working today.' Take the packages and be on your way! And stop flirting with Jamie, you're older than her father! We're tired of feeling like we have to hide in the back around 2:30 every day so we can avoid the agonizing five minutes of the 'stop, lean and talk' routine. It's not us - it's you. So it's over, we're through, and we've already moved on to fabulous no-nonsense DHL Guy."

(Notice that DHL Guy gets a name...this relationship has great potential).

Hello My Name Is...

2005-07-07T09:51:00.000-07:00

J's uncle Tim had a wedding reception this past Saturday in Colorado. After months of debating about how practical it would be for us to attend, we eventually decided that we really should skip this family gettogether because of the expense of traveling on a holiday weekend.

Friday morning, we suddenly realized that we had deliberately missed our last opportunity for a real vacation for the next 18 years (Disney World doesn't really count). We panicked, and decided "hang it all, we're going." So we boarded the dog, piled in the car and prepared to drive 13 hours to Colorado to reunite with his side of the family.

And then we realized...we didn't know where to go once we got there. J tried calling his parents but nobody was answering, so we were unsure if they had even brought the cell phone with them. Next option: Directory Assistance.

Fortunately, there was only one Tim ***** listed in Denver.

"Hello, this is Tim."
"Hi Tim. This is J."
"HI J! HOW ARE YOU?"
"Doing well. Looks like we will be joining you tomorrow after all."
"FANTASTIC! ...WHY???"
"Um...for the wedding reception..."
(silence)
"Um...Tim, when I said 'This is J ******' - did that mean anything to you?"
"Not a thing!"
"Ok then. I think I have the wrong number."
"NO PROBLEM! HOPE YOU FIND HIM!"

The Other Tim, as he is now affectionately referred to, gets 10 points for enthusiasm. And faking.

The Nose Bowl

2005-06-29T12:10:00.000-07:00

Yesterday started off on a bad note. J woke up to the "glug glug glug" of me repeatedly pouring water down the sink from two little water bottles while muttering obscenities about the incompetence of toilet bowl manufacturers.

See, I have this habit of using toilet paper to blow my nose and then flushing it down the toilet, since this seems to me to be more sanitary than having dirty tissues sit in a wastebasket for a week.
Over the past couple of days, I have been battling some kind of no-you-can't-take-any-medication-for-it-because-you're-pregnant illness and my nose had been a particular distraction the night before.

Basically, I was up all night tossing crumpled toilet paper into the toilet. But I couldn't flush the toilet because I was afraid it would wake up J. Not once did it occur to me that the repeated sound of the foghorn attached to my face could disturb him. But I just knew that if I flushed that toilet once behind two closed doors, his sleep would be ruined for the rest of the night. Go figure.

So in the morning, I had amassed quite a mound of unflushed tissues in the toilet bowl, and had a sneaking suspicion that the toilet might choke on it when flushed. But that was a theory that had to be tested.

WHAT I DID NOT TAKE INTO CONSIDERATION, HOWEVER, WAS THAT EVIDENTLY THERE IS AT LEAST ONE TOILET BOWL MANUFACTURER WHO DOESN'T THINK IT'S IMPORTANT TO MAKE THE BOWL BIG ENOUGH TO HOLD ALL THE WATER IN THE TANK.

Toilets clog. That's just part of their job, and a fact of life. WHY then, would anybody make a toilet that overflowed when it couldn't get everything down the tube??? Even at our old crummy house, the water would stop flowing into the toilet if it backed up to a certain level.

I watched as the water rose. And rose. And kept rising. It didn't stop. It just kept coming, up, up, and out of the bowl. And onto the floor.

And furthermore, WHY WOULD ANY HOME MANUFACTURER INSTALL CARPET IN THE TOILET AREA???

I mean seriously people, what if this had not been toilet water and tissues, but the result of a seafood dinner gone bad? Our bathroom area would have been ruined for good and we would have had to get the flooring replaced because that kind of thing never REALLY comes out of carpet. It's like putting carpet in the kitchen - something anybody with a brain just doesn't do.

Anyway, after layering the floor with towels, I realized that the only way to lower the level of the water in the bowl was to take it out myself. Since we just moved in, all I had at my disposal was a couple of empty water bottles. Hence J's morning wake-up music.

I can tell you that this particular start to the day, in addition to my lack of sleep the previous night didn't do wonders for my mood or my cold, which grew gradually worse through the day. I eventually had to leave work just to go home and get some sleep.

Ah sleep. The wonder-cure. Much better today.

Body & Mind

2005-06-23T11:33:00.000-07:00

My suspicions about the bed sheets have been confirmed. J woke up with a sore neck this morning. Aha! And you all thought I was making that up. But it's true: Satin sheets are bad for the bod. And I think they will be sentenced to the "emergency laundry backup" drawer tonight.

We had some old friends from Seattle visiting last night and enjoyed reminiscing about college days. Somewhere between complaining about my sore neck, rehashing the stupid things we did in college, and a conversation about vacuums, it hit us: we're getting old.

Seriously, if you had told us four years ago that at this point we would be living in Texas, expecting a baby, and sitting around comparing the suction power of assorted vacuums, we would have imagined a very chilly day in hell.

And yet here we are.

It's amazing how time flies and what a drastic mental change happens during the early twenties. Fantasies about traveling the world as a vagrant artist and living on Ramen just for the intrinsic value of rebelling against the black hole of Corporate America are replaced with the desire to find a stable job and have the means to support a larger family. Where 'Planning for the Future' used to mean bringing an extra pair of underwear on that impromptu out-of-state camping trip, now it's contemplating a savings plan for our baby's college expenses.

And forget about those 2AM trips to Denny's for hot wings. Or spur of the moment treks across the city to hear a live band. I can just feel the grey seeping into my hair. Sigh.

Although, being old and stable does have its advantages. Like cool TVs that were only the stuff dreams were made of at age 20.

PLASMA, baby. Plasma.

Thumb Things to Review

2005-06-22T08:23:00.000-07:00

Thumbs Up: Dyson Vacuum. Love it. Took it over to clean up the old house and had to empty the canister 3 times from all the crap that thing picked up that our other vacuum left behind. Our previous vacuum went through a bag once every few moths. Now we know why - OLD VACUUM DIDN'T WORK.

Thumbs Down: Satin Sheets. Ok, I have always wanted satin sheets (always, meaning since I discovered them at Bed Bath & Beyond when shopping for dorm room accessories my freshman year of college). Finally bought a set as a housewarming gift for myself and J. BAD CHOICE for several reasons:

They are noisy. Shifting around at night causes enough "russle russle" to wake up any sleeping indiviudal in the room, the dog and the neighbors 3 doors down.
They don't let your skin breath. Which means they will keep you warm when your room is cold, but it's not the cozy warm of cotton sheets. It's the skin-suffocating warm that makes you sweat if you don't leave half your body out of the sheets.
They are too slippery. Try to sit on the bed and find yourself abuptly landing on the floor. Lay your head on the pillow and it slips out from underneath you. Open your mouth to yawn and all the covers slide off onto the floor. And I'm fairly convinced that this slip-n-slide business is the reason for the neck injury that kept me home from work yesterday. Because the pillow won't stay under your head, your neck has to compensate all night to keep it there. Consequently, I woke up and couldn't turn my head in any direction all day. Last night I slept without a pillow and that seemed to help. At least I can drive today.
They are expensive. I don't mind spending money for good sheets, but it really really irks me to spend a lot of money on sheets I (and my neck) would have been better off without. So in summary, save yourself the trouble and stick with the higher thread count cotton sheets.

Home Sweet Home

2005-06-20T11:55:00.000-07:00

Whew! What a weekend! We are mostly moved into our new house now after a weekend of lifting and hauling...well, after a weekend of me watching other people lift and haul (pregnancy does have its advantages).

My best friend came up for the weekend and it was wonderful to have a guest room that any normal guest would actually want to sleep in. It's also wonderful to, after 2 years, be back in a house that will clean when you clean it, stay light during the day, and has plumbing that actually works!

My parents also gave me a vacuum as a housewarming gift - it's one of those cool bagless never-lose-suction Dyson vacs. Love it. I'm looking forward to taking it back to the rental house when we clean up there to really put it to work. It's kind of like that sick obsession that makes you let the glue dry on the outside of the cap, just so you can peel it off in chunks. Or maybe that's just me.

Speaking of chunks (don't you just love a transition like that), J received a somewhat (totally) shocking surprise when he closed the glass hatch on our Blazer this weekend and the entire hatch exploded back out at him into a hundred thousand million tiny bitty chunks of glass. He and my dad spent a good hour and a half at the old house cleaning up glass from the blazer and garage (and J). We have no broom and our dust-buster only holds a charge for 10.5 seconds. All they had was an old vacuum cleaner with ONE vacuum bag, which I understand was filled, emptied and recycled multiple times, and currently looks as though it's been sent through the garbage disposal. I knew I was in for a good story when he walked into the new house with "You know how I always wanted a convertible...?"

Just in case anybody out there was wondering, we now know that it costs approximately $800 to replace a glass hatch on a 10 year old Blazer. Because I know that important question has probably been buring in your mind for the last several days.

Our new house was officially christened this weekend by a can of Diet Coke that slipped out of my hand and proceeded to spray in circles all over the kitchen. It was amazing. Seriously. The ENTIRE CAN of coke emptied itself on the walls, floors, counters, and even managed to make its way into the living room. There are places in that kitchen in which any liquid would have had to DEFY THE LAWS OF NATURE to reach...and yet there we were, mopping it up on the other side of the island, around the corner of the wall, etc. Like wow.

So we're moved in and making it home. Fun stuff. Oh, and by the way, $1000 at Linens & Things (compliments of our real estate agent) can go REALLY FAST. Sheesh.

Cleanest Baby in the World

2005-06-14T10:23:00.000-07:00

Why is it that when your belly protrudes more than normal, there's this inate need to give it an extra good scrubbing in the shower?
...Or maybe it's just me...

Oh, by the way...

2005-06-10T13:56:00.000-07:00

IT'S A GIRL!

I don't think I've mentioned that because when we found out I was in the throws of trying to run an office by myself, so there wasn't a lot of time for blogging. But the sonogram has confirmed that we are doomed to be fending off the obnoxious onslaught of PINK that will undoubtedly be following us around for the next several years (I've already made an arrangement with my mom - I call before I come pick up the baby from her house, and before I get there, she will remove any pink adornments that may have found their way onto my child in the meantime).

But we are both looking forward to pigtails, softball, and all the other little things that come with having a girl.

I have to admit, I was a little surprised to be told that we are having a girl. I was pretty convinced that it was going to be a boy...based on the activity level of this little bundle. I swear, sometimes I think I've got a monkey in there instead. And these 11:30pm aerobics sessions have got to stop.

But overall, the pregnancy is going well and has been relatively easy. Can't ask for much more than that.

Walking on Sunshine

2005-06-10T13:21:00.000-07:00

This week is on par to go down in history as one of the best weeks of my entire life.

Jamie came back from Europe to a busier office and some of the things that I had been wondering how in the world I would find the time to do. So they were shifted over to her department, which ended up working great for everybody. So nice to have her back!

I heard from several friends this week that I had been out of touch with for many moons, so to speak. I love renewed contacts.

I asked for AND GOT a raise at work. AND found out that they will be paying me for a full month of maternity leave (very uncommon!) so that eases a lot of tension over how we were going to survive that time financially.

I found the themed accessories I was looking for to decorate our nursery with. I knew I wanted a jungle theme, but everything I saw was either too cartoony or too dark/real/scary for a nursery. And finally the clouds parted and revealed the perfect set:

We closed on our fabulous house today! Our final walk-through last night was incredible. The woman we purchased the house from is more than slightly on the obsessive-compulsive neat-freak side, which makes this transition all the easier on us. The house sparkles like nobody's ever lived there. I kid you not, she scrubbed the garage floor and cleaned out the garage door panels (and all the metal bars on the inside) with bleach.

She even left us several extras, like shower curtain liners, a stroller, and an elliptical exercise machine! Oh, and she's leaving the electricity in her name until Monday so we will have power over the weekend, since the stupid electrical company simply could not set up our account until Monday despite repeated requests and messages from us.

And she called up the alarm company and informed them that they had to give us the same "special rate" she was getting or we wouldn't continue the contract. So we're getting the 3-year contract rate without the 3-year contract!

We couldn't have asked for a better seller to work with. And when we showed up at closing today, out monthly payments ended up being less than we were expecting because we had gotten a lower interest rate than we were originally quoted. Too cool.

So, we're getting a great house at a great price with a great loan and it comes with great accessories from a great seller who seems to be going out of her way to make the process better for us. I am so tempted to break out into a chorus of "I've Got Rhythm." Who could ask for anything more???

Back in the Saddle Again

2005-06-08T13:24:00.000-07:00

Well, Jamie has returned from the Great European Quest and things are slowly returning to "normal." And she brought me the cutest Italian over-the-shoulder bag!
Apologies to all who have called and emailed over the last two weeks and have not received a response. I'm trying to sort through my inbox now and get through that in a timely manner, now that I'm not running around like a chicken with my head cut off anymore. There is something to be said for having some downtime at work...or at least having a lunch break, which is a luxury I have been unable to indulge in for the past few weeks.
I addition to being swamped at work, extra-careerular activities have been full as well. J and I are closing on our wonderful house this Friday, we've hit a new milestone in pregnancy and I've been working on planning a bridal shower.
So my blogging time has been more than a little restricted. Again, trying to correct that now that things are getting less hectic at work.
More updates soon, I promise. Though I'm not fool enough to define the term "soon." :)

Oh yeah, that blog thing

2005-05-27T11:42:00.000-07:00

Haven't been very wordy recently. With Jamie gone to Europe (YES EUROPE - WITHOUT ME), I've been carrying both our shifts at work and things have been, needless to say, busier than normal. In addition to working for two, this was the first week back after our national conference, which automatically denotes extra time-filling things to do and more distributor activity. And on top of that, the holiday weekend is coming up so today we're closing early (YAY) and we're closed Monday, so there will be plenty of backed up work waiting for me when I get in on Tuesday...which of course is a short day for me on account of a Dr.'s Appointment. Basically, I've been running around with scarcely time to breathe this week at work.

And loving every minute of it.

Not that I don't miss Jamie, I do. But being so busy all the time has been fabulous. Although it has left me with little to no time to do some things I'm accustomed to doing during the downtime at work...like write in my blog. Hence the silence over the past week.

I also have not had time to respond to emails and phone messages the way I would like. Little one-liners here and there to the mortgage broker are about all I've been able to manage. Speaking of mortgage though, looks like we'll be getting our beloved house afterall. And possibly a new roof, but we won't know about that for a few more days. We're shooting toward a closing date of June 10, which I know will be here faster than we can say "TOO MANY BOXES."

Ah, the one part of moving that I wish would just disappear. The actual MOVING part. Packing, stacking, moving, unpacking, and looking for all those things you desperately need that somehow ended up in one of the Miscellaneous boxes but you have no idea which one.

The amount of personal property we own gets drastically reduced every time we move. If we can't remember the last time we used it, it gets tossed. If we can't find an appropriate box to put it in, it gets tossed. If we figure we could get along without running to the store to replace it, it gets tossed (even sometimes if we know we will have to replace it and just don't like the look of it). Anything to cut down on the number of boxes we haul from one location to another. Oh, and if we haven't unpacked it since the last time we moved, yeah, it gets tossed.

June is going to be a very busy month. Between working, moving, painting (as soon as we know what color to paint the nursury, which we will hopefully find out at the Dr. Appt. on TUESDAY!!!), planning a bridal shower for my best friend, and the general myriad of other things life throws our way, we think the month will pass relatively quickly.

Kind of like this week has.

Neverending Story

2005-05-19T10:47:00.000-07:00

In retrospect, this has been a very busy week, as evidenced by this being the first blog I have written since Saturday. Here's a brief overview:

Sunday: After much searching, finally found another house we are interested in. Our only concern is the size of the house - only 1800 square feet. The house we were trying to purchase before was 2100 square feet, and we really liked that size. This new house is a one-story with lots of upgrades and personality though, so we guess it's a tradeoff.

Monday: Started all the last-minute projects for the upcoming work conference on Friday/Saturday. Why is it so impossible to plan for a major conference earlier than the week of, so that we're not all RUNNING AROUND LIKE PSYCHO CHICKENS trying to throw stuff together? WHY?
Any free moments today and for the rest of the week are devoted to setting up my new OFFICE - YES, OFFICE! I somehow managed to convince Boss Man (the "NO" man) to give me an office instead of sitting out front in the middle of the chaos. Still not sure how I managed that...I broached the subject in hopes of introducing it merely to begin the long road of pursuasion. Had no idea that the resistance period would only be about 20 minutes before a "Yes" was delivered my way. This was a good day.

Tuesday: Another busy day at work. We really do prefer busy. Felt the baby kick for the first time. Very weird. Like a twitching stomach muscle...except lower. Checked out the one-story again (among others) and decided to make an offer the following day. Speaking of the "others," here's another tip to add to the "How not to sell a house" list: Don't let your teenage daughter answer the front door in her underwear and tell us that despite the fact that we had called ahead to schedule a viewing, we can't see the house because it's still being painted.

Wednesday: Finished conference preparations and devoted the rest of the day to preparing, moving into, and shopping for my new office. Stopped at Target after work for some decorative additions. Met with real estate agent to draft up contract on new house, only to find that he had recieved a call from the agent of the previous house, letting him know that the seller was more seriously motivated to sell the house now and was entertaining offers in the range we were discussing when the deal fell through before. Previous house has now been renamed "Neverending Story" house because it just doesn't go away. A brief synopsis of the 3-week period in which we already pursued this house:

Found the house, knew it was perfect, told everyone it was my dream house. Planned to make an offer the next day.
Discovered house was already under contract.
Found out contract fell through.
Made an offer (a very GOOD offer, that most sellers would have taken flat out) but was informed that other offers were coming in same day.
Seller picked our offer, but countered...with stupid things that were really more insulting than anything else.
We countered the counter to make sure we were still getting our money's worth.
Seller accepted.
Found out from our mortgage broker that the house would not appraise for what we offered.
Tried to lower the price with seller so the deal could still go through.
Seller declined lowered price offer. Deal off.
Seller put house back on the market at higher asking price - significantly more than the maximum amount the house would appraise for according to two appraisers.
We started looking elsewhere.

But it's the only house we've found so far that was an immediate "yes" for us because it has absolutely everything we're looking for. And suddenly they're willing to be reasonable again. Wrote offer for Neverending Story house instead of new house.
Good News - confirmed that Mom doesn't have cyst or cancer, which was one of several possible causes of recent abdominal pain. Endometriosis is the current most likely diagnosis and may require surgery. This may be poor timing, as parents are scheduled to go to colorado next week and Greece in June. She is seeing a specialist tomorrow for full diagnosis.

Thursday: Waiting to hear back from sellers. Will be a long day. Bosses and distributors are busy at conference, so no business coming through. Probably won't hear from sellers until tomorrow, as has been the case in the past, despite the fact that response deadline is tonight.
More good news - Mom doesn't have endometriosis either. Looks like medicatable diagnosis for 2 ailments that are treatable without surgery. Very thankful.

See - told you we've been busy this week!

And then...

2005-05-14T21:52:00.000-07:00

I'm watching my husband and brother take turns fighting mythical monsters in the sewers of Athens. And after seeing a woman fall off a rope seven times and fall with a bloody splat to the ground below, I'm wondering why a video game character who can defeat a Harry-Potter-esque serpent and run circles around minotaurs and medusas can't break a 95-lb woman's 25-ft fall. Athens' only hope indeed.

But anyway.

I got a lesson in motherhood last night. J plays softball with the fellowship group team, so I went to game to - you know, be supportive and stuff. I ended up co-babysitting a 7-month old belonging to two parents in our group who were also on the softball team. I learned how to apply orajel to a teething infant's gums (and what it feels like when that infant then grabs my finger and begins chewing on it). I also learned that it is a physical impossibility to watch a softball game while caring for a somewhat fussy baby. And that no amount of gum-numbing or walking or bouncing will satisfy an infant with a dirty diaper. A hint of what's to come, I'm sure.

I also won my first group game last night at our small-group gettogether. It was one of those "how well do you know people" games in which you have to guess "if so-and-so were an animal, what would they be?" I should mention here that I probably know the least about other people in our group, because J and I are relatively new and some of these people have known each other for years. So it was all the more satisfying to win. Obviously, I have an uncanny ability to analyze people I barely know. Obviously.

Yeah, this is a pretty boring post. but it's almost midnight and I'm tired, and frankly can't remember what I sat down to write about in the first place. Call it pregnancy insanity. So have a little boring until I figure it out. Good night.

To Stand or Not to Stand

2005-05-11T07:37:00.000-07:00

Sunday was Mother's Day. Because of this, a debate ensued in our household over the prior two weeks revolving around whether or not I would be standing up when the pastor asked all the mothers in the congregation to stand.

J's position was that a baby that exists, whether in the womb or out, has to have a mother - and as such, I should stand up on account of the fact that I AM that biological mother.

My position was that Mother's Day is to celebrate those women in our lives who gave birth, sacrificed, loved, raised, and cared for a child as only a mother can. Since I have done none of these things, I am no more worthy of Motherhood recognition now than I was a year ago.

The argument progressed, each side holding firmly to their beliefs and determined that the other was simply ignorant, stubborn, or trying to be difficult. Others had input into the situation, and supported one side or the other, but neither party was willing to budge.

The clock ticked away until we were at last in that service awaiting the call to "stand."

And then it happened. Or rather, didn't happen. For the first time since I can remember, I attended a Mother's Day church service where there was no call for the mothers to stand. Thus rendering all heated debates entirely superfluous.

Mais c'est la vie, n'est pas?

Holy Mother of Chocolate

2005-05-09T12:04:00.000-07:00

We did a massive deep cleaning a week ago because J's mom is visiting for an extended weekend. And I truly mean that our house has never been so clean. Not that you can tell, because we have one of those houses that looks the same after you clean it as it did before and can amass a thick layer of dust on the table top the day after you dusted the entire house and cleaned the vents. And the day she got here, I was already spot-vaccing little dust bunnies that were floating around the kitchen floor. Spot-vaccing, mind you, the DAY AFTER I HAD DUSTED AND CLEANED THAT FLOOR LIKE IT HAD NEVER BEEN CLEANED BEFORE. There is an injustice there, I tell you.

Anyway, the reason for such cleansing - albeit relatively pointless - was not just for the sake of being gracious hosts...trust me, we're not that good at being hosts. The main reason was simply that the MIL is acutely allergic to dust. And pet dander (did I mention that we have 2 cats and a dog and IT'S SHEDDING SEASON???). And perfumes or scents of most any kind. And shellfish. And car fumes (for which she has a handicapped parking permit that we get to use while she's here - SU-WEET). Oh, and she's hypoglycemic, has a malfunctioning thyroid, battles motion sickness and mercury poisoning and has currently been placed on an "all protein, and non-starchy veggies" diet by her doctor. And has to take upward of 30 pills daily, along with liquid supplements that have an aroma resembling turpentine.

The point of the above paragraph was not just to make you wonder why the good woman is still alive (and make you think twice about complaining about those crooked teeth or contacts). The real point was to point out the irony that this weekend, it was my mom, rather than my MIL, who had some sort of a blood sugar episode at dinner on Mother's Day. Kind of like watching a marionette when somebody drops the strings.

Anyway, our non-professional diagnosis is either hypoglycemia or diabetes, and if those are indeed the choices, I think we're all hoping for the hypoglycemia for one reason: CHOCOLATE.

A little history here. My mom, for most of my growing up years, had an allergy to chocolate that resulted in a life-threatening migrane upon consumption. If you've never heard of a life-threatening migrane, here's how it works: Mom succumbs to the temptation and eats a total of 2 M&Ms. Subsequently, she gets laid up in bed with a migrane and any child caught playing too loudly has his or her life severely threatened. Further infractions on the 2-decibel noise limit will result in penalty of death, several times over.

Sometime between my last years of highschool and going away to college, Mom was suddenly cured of her disabling allergy. Thus, chocolate was reinstated in it's previous most-favored-food status and continues today to be found in little stashes around the house.

Enter pre-dinner blood-sugar-attack yesterday. I have a feeling that if diabetes is in the diagnosis pot, the doctor will undoubtedly mention something to the effect of sugar limitations...i.e. CHOCOLATE LIMITATIONS.

And suddenly we will be dealing not only with the original illness, but a gross onslaught of severe depression because seriously, what woman could have chocolate taken away from her TWICE in one lifetime???

PS: Reading through the house entry I just linked to made me smirk. I'd forgotten about the statement on the timing of having children. Ha. Life is a big fat joker sometimes.

Gewwwwwwwgle

2005-05-09T08:01:00.000-07:00

I have officially had two people find my blog by doing a Google search for "ewwwwwww"

That is too cool.

Hope the food is good

2005-05-05T14:41:00.000-07:00

Somebody found my blog by doing a Google search for "dietitions involved in jamies school dinners." I do believe that's the most random search result I've ever gotten.

Several people have found me by searching for the "Cantoni Cuddle Lounge" or for "Labhaoise pronunciation" but those make sense. I can't think of a time when I've ever discussed Dietitions or Jamie's School Dinners.

Go figure.

Bill of Health

2005-05-03T08:31:00.000-07:00

Had another doctor appointment yesterday. No ultrasound, whereby J was acutely disappointed.
Apparently I'm healthy in all regards, except that they've discovered that I'm not immune to German Measles.
And I thought those blood tests had anything to do with the pregnancy.
So, if you have German Measles, stay away from me. Fair warning. There must be at least 3 people on the planet with German Measles, so I'm covering the bases here.

Haggling Over Home Sweet Home

2005-04-29T08:34:00.000-07:00

"Lovely, well priced. Showroom home in great condition. Window treatments, ceramic tile and three full baths."

The above is the realtor's description of the home we are trying to buy. All in all (and considering there are no pictures of the home online) it's not very descriptive. The selling points are basically "nice looking, well priced, window treatments, ceramic tile and 3 baths."

Did you notice that 1 out of the 5 selling points is the window treatments? And they are quite nice, probably way-expensive designer curtains & drapes. We took that into consideration when we made the offer.

The seller wants to take the window treatments with her. She countered our perfectly (more than) reasonable offer to say that she is renegging 20% of the original offered setup. And she wants to close ONE DAY EARLIER. And she thinks we should pay $75 instead of $50 for the HOA transfer fee.

Crimminee. Why are sellers so weird??? Who changes a contract for $25? It was a struggle to keep J from countering with a HOA fee of $62.50 just to spite her. I thought we should have demanded the washer, dryer and refrigerator as replacement for the upstairs curtains. But I was overruled and informed that people just don't do that in Texas. I barely got away with asking for the refrigerator. And it was so tempting to add in "AND 3 BOTTLES OF KETCHUP AND A CASE OF PEPSI. DIET PEPSI."

I could have used that washer and dryer. If she dares to counter again, I'm getting the washer and dryer or she can take her pretty house and STUFF IT.

Little Rebel

2005-04-29T07:34:00.000-07:00

My dog sheds twice a year. By "sheds," I mean that his fur makes a mass exodus from his body in chunks the size of hampsters and he begins to resemble a cancer victim, or a cat that has recently lost a fight.

I have a habit of reaching over to him and just pulling the already detached chunks of fur out, despite the fact that for some reason it really annoys J.

The way I see it, I would rather have a poof of fur in my hand to throw away than to find it strewn around the bed, couch, and carpet. A poof in hand is worth several distributed around the house. And it's not like it hurts the dog.

What always cracks me up is my dog's response, that when I pull a dangling tuft of fur from his hind quarters, HE WANTS IT BACK. You would think that we were on the playground in fourth grade and I had just stolen his lunch. He whirls around and does everything he can to TAKE BACK that poof.

I don't know what he thinks he's going to do with a mouthful of fur. Sometimes I'm tempted to give it to him to see if he tries to stick it back in. But then I think of what he looks like when he's hacking up hairballs.

That's when the fruitless arguments ensue.

"If you're so concerned about keeping it, then stop leaving it all over my house."

I can tell as I say it that I'm sinking into the pit of pointless communication. Not because my dog doesn't understand English - HE DOES - but because his standard response is that the house and everything in it are in fact HIS (did we not notice that he has marked the ENTIRE backyard???) and he may distribute pieces of himself anywhere he darn well pleases.

He has such and attitude sometimes. At first the talking back was kind of cute because we've never actually seen a dog do this before. To see it is very reminiscent of watching a teenager roll his eyes and silently mimic his parents' gripes behind their backs. Except that Hastings does it to our faces. He knows better to bark back, but boy can he mimic. And like most cute things, it gets old after a while.

It's scenarios like this that make me a wee bit anxious about parenting. If our dog thinks we're retarded, what will our kids think?

How to Make Me VERY VERY HAPPY

2005-04-26T11:04:00.000-07:00

Call me to say you spoke with the listing agent today and the contract previously pending on the house we wanted to buy fell through, and that we now have the option to step in and negotiate a contract on our perfect dream house.

YIPPPPPEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

How to Make Me VERY VERY Grumpy

2005-04-26T09:14:00.000-07:00

Put an offer on our perfect dream house the day we find it. GRRRRRR.

Yesterday, I almost wrote an elloquent description of this fabulous house we found on Sunday. It was, without a doubt, the best house for us that we had seen in our search of over 20 houses and we were going to buy it. It was exactly what we were looking for in every respect.

Our real estate agent called yesterday to start negotiations and BAM. Somebody beat us to it. Then we discovered that somebody has also beat us to our second choice home.

Back to square one. Sigh.

How to Annoy Me

2005-04-25T10:30:00.000-07:00

Hire a person to answer and take phone orders who doesn't understand English.

Linguistic Profile

2005-04-19T11:34:00.001-07:00

Your Linguistic Profile:

75% General American English

15% Dixie

10% Upper Midwestern

0% Midwestern

0% Yankee

What Kind of American English Do You Speak?

Anybody know what a "cruller" is?

A Delicate Balance

2005-04-19T08:00:00.000-07:00

We're shopping for a house right now. And discovering once again that this kind of thing is always more complicated than you think it's going to be.
First there's the mortgage, and the fact that the myriad of mortgage calculators available online are virtually useless because they never seem to match what the bank seems to think you can afford, nor can they estimate important stuff like property taxes which have quite the impact on your monthly payment.
And mortgage paperwork is insane. Two months records of this, three months of that, last year's this, your most recent that, every piece of identification you have available. Sign here, here, and here. And here. And here. Oh and here, here, here, here, here, no just initial there and there, sign here, here and here.
The timing is also quite crucial. If your lease expires in June, you want to close on a house in June because that way you get to skip any housing payments in July and can therefore use the money for moving expenses, closing costs, etc. So if you start your search early and find a house you like, you end up waiting around until the proper time to make an offer, just so you can close at the right time. But if you don't start searching early enough, you end up being unable to see all the options and possibilities available, and wonder if you're purchasing a second choice instead of "the one that got away."
Sigh.
One day things will be simple. They will.

There's a breeze today.

2005-04-15T10:04:00.000-07:00

I can't express how totally awesome I feel today.

Went to the DPS to (finally) get a Texas Driver License. And to Office Depot.

With my fly down.

Yeah, I'm that cool.

And that makes me special.

2005-04-12T12:29:00.000-07:00

I have hit a new revelation. I am the first woman in the history of the world to ever have gone through the first six months of pregnancy.

I draw this conclusion from the fact that apparently I'm the only person in the entire country ever to outgrow the waistline on a regular pair of pants, yet need maternity clothing that isn't abso-freakin-lutely-huge-i-mongous.

Seriously. Normal clothing doesn't fit anymore, but when I walk into a maternity store and try on the smallest size they have available, I could fit three camels and a polar bear in those pants with me. Kids, don't try that at home.

As in, I stand up and the pants don't stand with me. Not gonna happen. So I ask the girl at the counter what they do for women who are in the "in-between" stage and she shows me this thing called a Bella-something. It's basically an ace bandage that you're supposed to wrap around your gianormous pants to hold them on.

Chic. We're talking some serious style.

"Or you can wear your normal pants unbuttoned and put this thing around the top to hold them up."

You have got to be kidding me. You're telling me that after millions and billions and trillions of pregnancies throughout the history of the world, NOBODY has come up with a real solution to the first six months of growing waistline?

I have just decided upon the first living-vicariously-parental-aspiration for my child.

How to Sell a House

2005-04-11T14:06:00.000-07:00

J and I went browsing this weekend for a new house and based upon what we witnessed, we would like to offer the following suggestions for anyone out there who may be wondering why their house has been on the market for a long time:

Your selling agent has called and told you when we will be coming by. Take the hint and LEAVE. I do not want to be opening your closet while you're standing there.
If you insist on sticking around while people browse through your house, please wait until we are gone before taking that HUGE SMELLY DUMP THAT STINKS UP THE ENTIRE TOP FLOOR. You know, I may have wanted to see that bathroom, or any part of the upstairs for that matter.
If you choose to vacate the house, take all your children with you, even if you think your 3-year-old will sleep through an avalanche. We are homebuyers (and strangers!), not babysitters. Don't make me call Child Welfare.
Do not lie in the realtor's description of the property. If your house hasn't been recently painted, WE WILL KNOW when we show up and there are dirt smudges all over the walls. And we will wonder what else you lied about.
It helps if the house looks as though it's been cleaned sometime in the last 5 years.
If you have 3 dogs and 2 cats, please stop kidding yourself with that puny little air freshner. YOUR HOUSE STINKS. Have your pets and your carpets professionally cleaned. And wipe WHATEVER THAT IS off the wall.
You may think that despite the fact that you have removed all the furniture from the house, the pair of sandals on the porch give it a "homey" feeling. The dead bird in the shoe does NOT, however, support your cause.
If your weeds are taller than your trees, you might be a ... turnoff.
Please refrain from cooking overly oderous ethnic meals within 24 hours before showing your house. I'm sure the food tasted great at the time, but the stale after-smells make us wonder what died in your kitchen.
If you have a dog that is not fully potty trained, please do not leave it roaming free around the house while you're away. Yes, puppies are cute. But we're not buying the puppy, and we're certainly not buying the carpet he's currently tracking poop all over.

Oh BABY

2005-04-06T12:14:00.000-07:00

Cantoni was totally fun yesterday. They got one of those Fom pillows and taped it to my belly to "enhance" the fact that I'm pregnant. I looked like I was about ready to pop at any moment.
Then I was paired with a guy named Todd and we were "the expectant couple" lounging on the couch (the round couch that was totally cool and I really wanted to take it home with me).
We were basically cracking up the whole time because he kept having to do things like put his hand on my belly, pat the belly, kiss the belly, rub the belly, and it was just plain weird...although admittedly, it probably would have been weirder if it had been my real belly. Then we ditched the "baby" and did some shots as the "professional couple" coming home from a long day of work and collapsing on the couch, which of course is what we had wanted to do from the beginning (what else could a couch like that be for?). I hope that one turned out ok, but I think it may have been a little stiff due to the fact that I had to fall backwards onto Todd and was really worried that I was going to clock him right in the face.
Can't wait to see how the commerical turns out. Apparently they're going to be airing it in several major cities across the country toward the end of the month.
Also got to be in some Tostitos shots while I was there for some internal video they did. Fun stuff. I hope I get the opportunity to do some more work like that. All the people at the production studio were great to work with and seemed like really neat people.

The Cost of Healthy Living

2005-04-06T11:59:00.000-07:00

$1.35 for a fruit cup. A 2-oz plastic cup with maybe 5 edible pieces of fruit, most of which were grapefruit (ewww), which of course tainted all the other fruit to taste like grapefruit (ewww) because that's what grapefruit (ewww) does.
I can get a chocolate chip cookie the size of my head for $1.00. I can get a king sized bag of chips for $0.65. But try to go the healthy route and you have to take out a loan to pay for it.

If God intended us to eat healthy, he should have made it cheaper.

Arboretum Mission Successful

2005-04-04T12:02:00.000-07:00

Got my picture :)

You can't really tell in the picture, but this was my first attempt at wearing the dreaded MATERNITY SHORTS in public, as my belly is slowly but surely outgrowing the waistline on my pants. Actually, they're quite comfortable and the lack of buttons & zippers & ties cuts down on the bulk in front.

April's Fool

2005-04-01T08:10:00.000-08:00

I get giddy this time of year. This is the time in Texas when winter ceases and I can put away the sweaters and dark colors, but the scortching summer heat hasn't arrived yet.
This weekend I'm dragging my family to the Dallas Arboretum to take scads and scads of pictures of budding flowers (I hope the tulips are in!) and fill several pages of my scrapbook with a collage of color. J hasn't decided if he's going or not, but what he doesn't know (or won't until he reads this) is that he's going to be under immense pressure to go with us because I WANT A PICTURE of the two of us with some pretty flowers.
Seriously, since I'm usually behind the camera, we don't have nearly enough pictures of the two of us. And with #3 on the way, I have a feeling that he/she will be the focus of most of the pictures taken after a certain day in October. Which I'm sure is going to make my cats happy and drive my dog crazy.
And I finally have a spare battery because I have not once gotten through an arboretum trip in which my camera hasn't died way to early.
Don't know why, but I've been a little scrap-happy recently. Sure, I always like to scrapbook but over the past couple of weeks it's been more of an...obsession. Which is doubly unfortunate because I have run out of pictures to scrap (hence the arboretum trip) and when I'm in the mood to scrap and can't, there's only one thing left to do. SHOP. Yes, danger is my middle name. Found a new scrapbooking store in Frisco that is AWESOME and I could totally live there. And between weddings, new houses, birthdays, and OF COURSE, BABY, I have lots to shop for this year. Hee hee hee...
Anyway, it's supposed to be a lovely April weekend and I plan to take full advantage of it.

Birds of a Feather

2005-03-30T08:04:00.000-08:00

J and I were walking along the canal behind the campus on a chilly winter evening. We had been "hanging out" for a few weeks and he had just recently discovered that when he swung over to kiss me I didn't actually knock his block off like I had previously threatened to. I had recently discovered that perhaps this kissing thing wasn't as bad as past experience had convinced me it was. Perhaps I had just found a guy who was better at it.
But I digress.
The night was clear and crisp, and the old trees branched out over the canal, which glittered with reflections of lights from the other side.
We stopped under a tree. Flirting, laughing, holding hands. He leaned in.
I heard fireworks...No, not fireworks. Little spashing sounds in the canal.

Ploonk. Plunk ploonk. Plink plunk ploonk.

We looked up to discover that we had paused under a patch of trees serving as a resting area for the entire bird population of Seattle.
And they were all relieving themselves at the same time.
"RUN!"
Somehow we managed to escape the (literally!) thousands of tiny bombs that ensued and made our way back to the sidewalk of safety without any battle wounds.
Ah, romance.

The Last Straw

2005-03-29T10:13:00.000-08:00

I have witnessed THE LAST STRAW. Over the weekend, our cat Countess has metamorphosised from mild-mannered and aloof to PSYCHO ATTACK CAT.
It happened on a day just like any other day in which our dog was bugging the cats. Poirot is a blob by nature and more or less lays down and takes whatever the dog will dish out. I think his theory is that if he ignores the dog long enough, eventually it will just rot away.
Countess, on the other hand, usually avoids the dog by staying high enough not to be reached and stares down upon him like "Fool. You are and will always be a lesser being."
However, this day was different. The dog was dancing around on the floor and yapping at Countess, trying as always to provoke her into...something...but this time IT WORKED.
It was like watching Gollum get really pissed. Or that scene where Bilbo turns into Scary Bilbo but I couldn't find any pictures of that. First we heard her...growl can be the only appropriate description. Then the eyes became enormous, the tail took on that electrocuted look, and the claws came out. Within seconds, she was flying through the air with ALL FOUR claws aimed directly at dear dog's face.
Fortunately he has very quick reflexes and turned tail to run, but she chased him until she had him cornered in the bedroom. Then she let out another growl as if to say, "Look at me the wrong way again and they'll be finding pieces of you in the litter box for weeks, buddy."
And things haven't been the same since. The dog is always up to a challenge, so it hasn't stopped him from attempting to provoke the cat. But we'll hear the growl, then the sound of stampeding around the carpet and then a Nazgul shriek that lets you know the cat has just detached one of the dog's limbs from the rest of his body. He takes what's left of his bleeding carcass away and doesn't mess with her for the rest of the day.
He is now accepting his role as the beta cat. He even does Sit and Lay Down for her, his attention glued to her expression to see if he has won approval. He hardly does that for us.
Perhaps we should try the growl & slash routine.

Baby is Good for Business

2005-03-24T07:52:00.000-08:00

I get to be in a Cantoni commerical as the pregnant lady on the couch. Of course, at this stage that will require some padding, but I'm totally looking forward to it. And I really want that couch. It's 5 feet in diameter and perfectly round. It's called the Cuddle Lounge. Check it out on their website.

Even cooler than getting to sit on a comfy couch in front of a camera, is the fact that this commercial will help to alleviate some of the repressed guilt I have over not applying my 4 years as a theatre major to my carreer.

SU-WEET.

EWWWWWWW!!!

2005-03-24T07:11:00.000-08:00

Oh Gross. Oh Gross Gross Gross.

What I want to know is where's the guy who apparently didn't notice that he cut his finger off? And furthermore didn't notice that it landed in the food?

Old People Rock

2005-03-23T12:01:00.000-08:00

"Hello Amy. You have 4 new messages. First new message:

'Hello? Hello, this is John Doe. I'm 83 years old and I want to get a unit shipped to me each month so I can get my commissions. I'm 83 years old and I need to make some money.'

Left Yesterday at 5:02PM. Next Message:

'Hello? This is John Doe. I want to call someone to place an order, not listen to someone tell me what I can't do.'

Left Yesterday at 5:04PM. Next Message, marked URGENT:

'550...6130...Hello...'

Left Yesterday at 5:05PM. Next Message:

'Hello... I need to place an order and I need to do it tonight. This is very important. Tomorrow might be too late. Please send me a unit each month. My credit card number is 1234... 56.. 78.. 9101121... 3. Someone please call me...tonight...and let me know that you have done this.'

Left Yesterday at 5:10PM. End of New Messages."

As a side-note, our dear John Doe also left 4 messages on the main voicemail box, 3 on Jamie's voicemail and 1 on Boss Man's voicemail (in which he neglected to leave his name, number or any other identifying information and I walk past Boss Man's office to hear 'Who are you???")

Come to find out this morning, there was really no urgency and he didn't need to place any order at all.

I love old people. Sometimes.

Death of a Sales...woman

2005-03-21T14:22:00.000-08:00

I spent the weekend down in Houston with some old friends from highschool, two of which are getting married this summer, one of whom's bridal shower prompted the trip. The third friend is one I haven't seen since my own bridal shower, which was - eghad - FOUR YEARS ago. Time flies.

Three of us had girl time the traditional sleepover way, and it was lots of fun. Except, Leigh, I swear I didn't mean to put you through the hours of boredom looking at EVERY SINGLE SCRAPBOOK I'VE EVER made. Of course it's nice to have someone actually see the result of countless hours I've spent hunched over a table cropping, arranging and taping - but really, that wasn't my intention when I brought them all down. I was only expecting to show one or two of them, and I would imagine that even THAT would border on unacceptable levels of forced boredom.

Looking back at that paragraph, I'm realizing that there's no way any person with a brain bigger than a walnut would believe me. But it's still true. God knows. He's got my back. Yeah.

Anyway, I have come to realize that this is why I could never be a success as a salesman...er, saleswoman. I have guilt about advertising or forcing anything of mine on someone else, particularly someone I know. All those years of school fundraisers, bringing colorful overpriced junk catalogs to everyone in my neighborhood, church, and dad's office were TORTURE. Absolute torture. And I still have guilt from it that requires me to purchase something from every 10-year old with a catalog that comes through. Still paying my dues.

And no, that was not a suggestion to send your kids my way with their popcorn and wrapping paper. I also eat children to get out of committing to fundraisers.

Anyway, thank goodness for patient friends that don't make a big deal out of my occasional neurosis.

Rationalization at It's Best

2005-03-18T10:03:00.000-08:00

"I think I'm going to go to Old Navy during my lunch break today."
"Oh?"
"I'm not really hungry, so there's no point in spending money that I don't need to spend."
"So you're going shopping instead."
"Yeah."
"Ok."

2nd Chance to be Five

2005-03-18T09:08:00.000-08:00

Last night we went to Adventures Landing for my sis-in-law's birthday party.

SOOOOO much fun!

Have to admit, I wasn't really looking forward to it, especially once my doctor told me I couldn't do the go-carts. And it was cold. Like, REALLY COLD.

But we had a great time. We started out at Sonic and then proceeded in true Progressive-Dinner Style to Cold Stone Creamery for ice cream cake.

Then off to Adventure's Landing where we all played mini golf and J won. No big surprise because my husband has this UNCANNY KNACK at COMPLETELY ANNIHILATING everyone on silly games he never ever plays. He even beat my mom who got 4 - count them FOUR - hole-in-ones. It was always that way in college. Tennis, Pool, Ping-Pong, you name it. He could have played twice in his whole life and still wipe the table with everyone else.

I also got to play Laser Tag for the first time ever. Of course, that game wasn't really fair because we were playing with Ryan, who spent a few years in military school...so naturally, he totally obliterated us lowly laser amateurs. He ended up with like 5000 shots. I got 75 in and thought I was doing pretty good.

BUT - I did pretty well at the token game where you try to hit the button in time to stop the racing light in just the right place. Won enough coupons to buy my brother an Airhead and a Whistle. THIS IS THE PART WHERE YOU ALL STAND UP AND APPLAUD MY BUTTON-SLAPPING SKILLS.

And just for the record, that crack in the button was ALREADY THERE.

AWOL Waistline

2005-03-17T08:01:00.000-08:00

So, Gap has some really cute spring dresses. Somebody, please go buy them and enjoy wearing them for me. I tried the other day, but even though I'm not technically showing yet, my waistline has so thoroughly disappeared that it was a futile (and somewhat depressing) effort.

Idol, Acne & Chocolate

2005-03-16T10:07:00.000-08:00

Last night, J and I settled in for our Tuesday Night Tradition: Wings and American Idol. Lindsey Cardinale, it's time to say goodbye. I think we will shortly be forced to add House to the Tuesday Tradition list, as it has kept us glued to our seats for the second week in a row. Stupid addictive TV shows.

Unfortunately, I have discovered as of late that one of the symptoms of pregnancy is a change in appetite. As in, things that were always good before just aren't good anymore. And I think wings have fallen into that category. This is especially upsetting because I hate to spoil a good tradition. I gave it a valiant effort last night...but I think wings are officially out.

It's becoming painfully obvious that pregnancy has all sorts of "symptoms" that quite frankly, I could do without. I got an update email the other day about "5 embarassing pregancy symptoms: gas & bloating, constipation, hemorrhoids, yeast infections, and diarrhea."

OH GOODIE.

Of course, the article didn't mention acne, stretch marks, fat, cavities and tooth decay, and the myriad of other wonderful contributions of hormones and so forth.

Someone actually complimented me the other day on my skin. Apparently after I scrub, mask, exfoliate, tone, oil-free moisturize, slather on makeup, and style my hair so it covers as much of my face as possible, my skin looks decent to the casual observer. Who'd have thought?

It's times like this when I question God about why 9 months was entirely neccessary. I think tape worms have the right idea.

But that's probably a discussion for another philosophical blog and I'm not in the mood. Right now I just want some chocolate.

The "S" Word

2005-03-15T07:38:00.000-08:00

After a weekend away, J came home last night to a quiet evening of the History Channel and BLT Sandwiches. As we're curled up on the couch, he suddenly spurts out, "It occurred to me this weekend that we're going to have to explain sex to this kid someday."

Yes, he tends to think ahead. Far, far ahead. This morning we were talking about the war with China after 2008. But that's a topic for another blog.

Funny thing was, I had just had a conversation with my parents this weekend on how they and other parents had explained the birds and the bees. As far as we could remember, though my mom used delicately chosen vocabulary, there were no creative analogies or metaphors. It was pretty straight forward talk to both my brother and myself. And she noted that we each only ever asked once.

It was fun in middle and high school to compare notes with friends though on how they learned about THE TOPIC EVERY PARENT FEARS. I had one friend whose parents used keys and doorknobs. Another set of parents used plugs and electrical outlets.

And of course there's always the "Bank of Love" where the man goes to make a deposit in the woman's account. Next week's lesson is what it means when the woman has the "Next Teller Please" sign up.

This blog doesn't usually get a lot of comments, but if you're passing through, feel free to leave a note about how you learned about where babies come from.

Whose Idea Was THAT?

2005-03-11T08:01:00.000-08:00

And in other news, the maternity clothing industry has hit a new LOW:

The "Got Milk" Nursing Tank. Eghad.

Dear Dog...

2005-03-11T07:20:00.000-08:00

The following post is written solely for the benefit of my dog. And yes, for all you skeptics out there, he DOES understand the English language and is probably at home surfing the internet at this very moment. Unless he's sitting patiently to the side while my cat renames all the desktop icons. Again.

But I digress.

Dearest Hastings,

I appreciate your enthusiasm for life, truly, but I believe there is an area we need to discuss. Namely, the middle-of-the-night bursts of energy that seem to have taken over your sanity and my ability to sleep well over the past two nights.
I understand that because you insist on drinking a half gallon of water just before bed, there will be the occasional - OCCASIONAL - time when you will need to rise in the middle of the night to relieve yourself. I can live with that. But aside from those occasional times, the following is a list of life facts that I hope you will take into consideration in the future - if for nothing else, to save yourself some time and me some sleep.

If you have gone to the bathroom at approximately 4:00am, I will not believe you when you try to convince me you need to go again at 4:30am.
The fact that the cat has just regurgitated an entire day's worth of food outside the bedroom door is not - and I repeat NOT - a good enough reason for us to get out of bed and open the bedroom door. Trust me, it will still be there in the morning and if we can help it, you won't get to eat it anyway, even though it is recycled bits of your own food. Learn to be a little more territorial about your food and maybe the cat will stick to his own "sensitive stomach" food.
Licking the door doesn't open it.
Whining at the door doesn't open it.
Throwing yourself into the door doesn't open it.
Jumping up on the door and scratching your claws all the way down like fingernails on a chalkboard doesn't open the door.
Licking my hand, my elbow, and/or my nose doesn't open the door.
Standing on my hip does not instill me with the urge to play with your rope toy.
Pulling clothes out of the laundry basket may get me out of bed. It may also get you a squirt in the mouth with the bitter spray. BUT IT DOES NOT OPEN THE DOOR.
PULL ALL THE COVERS OFF THE BED ONE MORE TIME AND SO HELP ME GOD...

Just so you know, there is a puppy-sized jail cell at Petco with your name on it. And it will go in the far recesses of the house in which no one but the cats will hear your cries for deliverance...

(Insert maniacal laugh here)

Tip of the Day

2005-03-10T14:03:00.000-08:00

Take the passifier out of your mouth before entering my office to make a sales pitch. Seriously.

Dude Where's My Camera

2005-03-10T12:00:00.000-08:00

So if the title of "Best Job Ever" wasn't already taken (by moi), it would have to go to my dear husband J, who works for a production company... in an office building that looks like a cross between the Vegas Strip Hotel and Disney World.
As he's strolling into the office the other day, he notices a multitude of Men in Black standing around with those Matrix ear pieces...oh yeah, and AK-47s in their hands.
It's the Secret Service for the Czech Republic and the President is at his production studio filming for the day.

Just another day in the life of a production company employee.

On a side note, evidently political correctness isn't required when working for the Czech Republic. All the employees in the building filed into work that morning and the Secret Service stood there and watched. But when the one hispanic guy that works for the company walked through the doors, they stopped him and asked if he had a delivery or something.

Ouch.

Baby's First Picture

2005-03-07T12:55:00.000-08:00

First Ultrasound 3/7/05

Had my first pre-natal doctor appointment today. It wasn't nearly as bad as I was expecting. J went with me so he could hold my hand during the needle part but they didn't even stick me (though I hear that comes later).

And I even got my first sonogram. Not that you can see much from the picture I got to take home, but we did get to see the baby's heart beating on the screen and got a lesson in detecting which shapless blob was the head and which one was the yolk sac.

Evidently my uterus is shaped like a pork chop and this baby has wedged itself into the narrow tip. Looks like we might be having a shy kid, though I don't see how if it has J for a father.

The medical world seems to be full of terms that sound worse than they are. Never having been through this before, I got a little nervous when the doctor started talking about the sonogram PROBE. Oh, and the CYST on my right ovary where the egg was released that we can't do anything about except watch it right now because it's regulating the progesterone. Apparently that's pretty normal and it should go away sometime after the placenta takes over. And then they start telling you all about the tests that are available to determine Cleft Palate and Downs and Cystic Fibrosis and all kinds of other scary malformations.

But from all appearances everything seems to be pretty normal and there's no cause for alarm yet. YET.

Super-Size My Champagne

2005-03-04T09:17:00.000-08:00

Watched Super-Size Me! for the first time. Ewwwwww. It will probably be a little while before I eat at McDonald's again. I have to admit that it does make me twinge everytime I have to categorize a McDonalds or a Wendy's expense as "dining out" in Microsoft Money. They should have a different category for "consuming food products that rot your insides."

Though I doubt the movie has permanently turned me off of fast food, because I am a great believer in moderation, and don't really see any evidence that my once-a-month or less fast food "dining out" experience is going to kill me.

But I did get an education on those chicken nuggets I've always been fond of.

I had a friend in middle school who found a feather in her McDonald's chicken nugget. At the time, that was as gross as it got. Actually, looking back on it, we should have seen it as a relief. You know, hardcore evidence that the food we were consuming was actually made from meat that used to be real at one time.

The McDonalds' around here seem to be making a great effort to overcome past reputations. There are a few locations around our house that we refer to as the Petroleum Club McDonalds. Walking into one of these immediately hits one with a sense of disorientation. Marble floors, mahogany wood walls and bookshelves (complete with classic editions), glass chandeliers, fireplaces, and that little sign in the bathroom that says We strive to keep our restrooms upholding to the highest standards of cleanliness. If this restroom does not meet with your approval, please flip this switch to notify the manager.

The whole Petroleum Club McDonald's experience is a bit surreal. I'm waiting for the day when I order from the dollar menu and get asked if I want champagne with that.

Dreams

2005-03-02T07:28:00.000-08:00

Last night was the second night in a row that I dreamed about being chased and bitten by enormous poisonous spiders.
I don't even want to know what that means.

In addition to scary spiders, I also dreamed that my friend Stephanie and her fiance were trying to buy a new house - 2 doors down from where they are - and Stephanie was using her body to finagle a better price on the house.

If you know Stephanie, you will understand how humorous that thought is.

Of course, in my dream, it all made sense and I was like "oh, so that's how people get a lower price on a house."

Norton Anti-Valium

2005-03-01T14:34:00.000-08:00

Norton Anti-Virus and I have a mutal hate-hate relationship. It seems I can never successfully download a subscription renewal to save my life. This time I ordered the CD version because at least if I have trouble downloading, I still have the DISK SO I CAN TRY AGAIN. I seem to have more luck with disks than with internet downloads anyway.
But even when you purchase the disk and pay the $7.95 to have it shipped to you, you still have to download the Personal Firewall part from the internet.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WE ARE PLEASED TO ANNOUNCE THAT AFTER MUCH PAIN, PERSEVERANCE, LOSING THE COMPUTER'S ABILITY TO RECOGNIZE THE PRINTER, AND A FEW MENACING THREATS LATER...

I HAVE TRIUMPHED! Personal Firewall successfully installed on my machine. I think.

Worst Baby Names en Finale

2005-03-01T14:30:00.000-08:00

We have reached the end of our journey on the path of worst baby names in the history of Celtic languages. Thank you for accompanying us and please pay the cashier on your way out. Oh, and feel free to suggest your own names, should you be blessed with any that we have left off the list.

Seosaimhthin
Shawndrell
Shunta
Soidhachan
Taggart
Teamhair
Thurl
Tibbot
Tighearnach
Tor
Tuathal
Uaid
Uilleam
Uistean
Ulicia
Ulliam
Ungus
Vevila
Vevina
Zowie

Birthday Fun

2005-02-28T14:58:00.000-08:00

(NOTE TO DAD - YOU MAY WANT TO SKIP THIS POST)

Wanna know the best thing about being pregnant?

BIGGER BOOBS!!!

And a birthday shopping spree to Victoria's Secret - sweet!

Worst Baby Names Part Quatro

2005-02-28T14:11:00.000-08:00

Obharnait
Odanodan
Oengus
Ohnicio
Oilbhe
Oonach
Orghlaith
Piran
Quaid
Queran
Rafer
Raghnailt
Raghnall
Rathnait
Reidhachadh
Rioghnach
Roibeard
Ruadhagan
Sadhbba
Scolaighe

Birthday Blues

2005-02-28T13:51:00.000-08:00

I haven't been hungry in 3 days. I suppose it stems from the fact that things are kind of shifting around down there and maybe Mr. Tummy just doesn't have as much room to expand, but quite frankly - especially for someone who looks forward to food as one of the highlights of the day - it just sucks.

Ordinarily this would not really be a problem except that this weekend was my birthday, which means all weekend people are shoving delicious food and desserts toward me in large quantities. And I have guilt and resentment toward my stomach for not being able to...stomach it.

Saturday was lunch at Red Robin and dinner at the aunt & uncle's, where the course de jour was lots of ribs and large portions of other yummy edibles. And mint-chocolate-chip ice cream cake.

Sunday was dinner at The Melting Pot. Enough said. So I spent most of the weekend miserably uncomfortable and unable to do anything about it except eat more because, aside from the guilt, if I don't eat regularly my blood sugar goes down and then I get queasy (which I believe is what happend this morning and consequently why I was 2 hours late to work).

Getting some extra rest this morning has helped me with the fatigue issue, which also played a part this weekend. I think I probably take about 1.5-2 hours of naps per day now, which is unusual even for me. All in all, I'm really looking forward to getting past this first trimester thing.

Worst Baby Names Part #3

2005-02-25T13:35:00.000-08:00

Laoghaire
Leachlainn
Leathlobhair
Luighseach
Maloney
Mannix
Mannuss
Maolruadhan
Maonaigh
Marmaduke
Meadhbh
Mogue
Morag
Morella
Muadhnait
Muircheartaigh
Mungo
Murdoch
Naomhan
Nulty

How to Make Me Grumpy

2005-02-24T15:22:00.000-08:00

Call up our office and ask how many of our products are floating around in Texas. When I tell you there's really no way to get an accurate figure on that, tell me you weren't born yesterday.

First of all, I could care less when you were born. Second, I have neither the inclination nor imagination to make up answers to distributor questions just to see how naive you are. To assume that I'm deliberately trying to mislead you is insulting and inappropriate.

Then, respond to my silence by telling me you're a "smart ass" as though it's some kind of ailment that excuses rude behavior and THE COMPLETE LACK OF DISCERNMENT BETWEEN "WITTY" AND "OFFENSIVE." That's not a smart-ass. That's just an ass.

And it's not an apology when you're proud of it.

Dreams

2005-02-24T11:30:00.000-08:00

I dreamed last night that my husband's family gave me a horse for my birthday. And I couldn't ride it because I didn't have a saddle.

Duh.

Worst Baby Names Part Duu

2005-02-24T07:21:00.000-08:00

Cruadhlaoich
Damhnait
Eibhlhin
Fachnan
Fainche
Faoiltiama
Fardoragh
Finella
Fionnghuala
Fogartaigh
Fynballa
Gilda
Giolla Chroist
Gormghlaith
Grioghar
Gubnat
Izett
Jarlath
Kinsella
Labhaoise

To all the parents in the world, please don't give your children names that resemble curse words or bodily functions.

Worst Celtic Baby Names Part #1

2005-02-23T11:56:00.000-08:00

There are some really cool celtic baby names. And there are also some really NOT cool celtic baby names. So many that I decided to make a list of the 100 Worst Celtic Baby Names (yeah, it's a little bit slow at work today).

Below are the first 20 in the set:

Addergoole
Aderrig
Adhamh
Alastriona
Amblaoibh
Aodhfin
Aoibheann
Bairrfhoinn
Ballindeny
Beartlaidh
Beolagh
Brandubh
Buagh
Cacanisius
Calbhach
Ceallachan
Cearbhall
Ciatlllait (yes, 3 l's)
Coillcumhann
Crohoore

Name This

2005-02-23T09:09:00.000-08:00

The fact that I have the most boring name on earth is not my parents' fault. Because I was born with a cleft palate, I couldn't pronounce things like Shakira or Monty Python. Therefore, they were force to give me a simple name that wouldn't come out of my mouth mangled and limping during the early years.

You can't get much simpler than Amy.

The downside of course, is the fact that I've spent my whole life making people specify whether they were talking to me or one of the other six Amy's in the room. And though I never had a problem with people mispronouncing my first name, with my maiden name, I was still subject to instructing people how to spell and say my name in public, and therefore can claim no time-saving benefits.

Though I have to admit, my maiden name makes a great call-screening device. You know that someone who completely butchers it probably wants to sell you something.

Anyway, we're hoping to avoid the common name issues with this child. Our last name, while not a Smith, is easily spelled enough to prevent verbal mangling on first reading. One down, just one name to go. So we put our heads together and came up with a list of names for boys and girls that would be easy enough to pronounce, but would not have six heads turning to answer "what?"

Here's our list so far, in no particular order, with pronunciation guides attached (insert "oooh-ahhh" here). If you can't tell, we're going with the celtic name theme. And yes, we're aware that they all sound the same. Hey, at least we know what we like.

BOY
Kegan (KEE-gen)
Aedan (A-den)
Toran (TOR-en)
Eghan (EE-gon)
Kieran (KEE-ron)
Teagan (TEE-gen)
Eann (EE-an, like Ian)
Tristan (TRIST-on)
Braydon (BRAY-don)
Arden (AR-den)

GIRL
Keelin (KEE-lin)
Arlyn (AR-lin)
Ceara (kee-AR-ah)
Eavan (EE-van)
Rylee (RI-lee)
Kellen (KELL-en)
Tierney (TEER-nee)
Haley (HAY-lee)
Kailyn (KAY-lin)
Eimile (EM-i-lee)

You should see some of the celtic names we've found. I really think somebody dumped over a scrabble board and started picking letters up one-by-one to make some of these names. For instance, who in their right mind would name their kid Eamnonn? Or Eideard? Or Findabhair???

Bloating & Shifting

2005-02-22T07:13:00.000-08:00

Yeah, this is going to be one of those pregnancy status posts. There will probably be a lot of these in the next several months so DEAL WITH IT. And after that, there will probably be a lot of baby posts because this is a blog about MY LIFE and I hear babies have a way of TAKING OVER YOUR LIFE.

I discovered something very comforting yesterday. Apparently it's quite common for women to experience bloating and a "shifting" of the internal organs between 6-8 weeks of pregnancy, which results in a swelling of the stomach area.

And I just thought I was getting overly fat. Technically, I shouldn't be showing for another few months, but I have noticed a marked increase in the size of my belly over the past few days... which led to a nervous self-consciousness, especially since I've been walking a lot recently and haven't been consuming more food than normal. I think I have a phobia of becoming one of those women who gain 100 pounds during pregnancy (ugh!) and as a result have an enormous diabetic baby and can't lose the weight after birth. Yikes.

The pregnancy advice and information websites warn against putting on too much weight during pregnancy because it's harmful to the baby. Of course they also say not to diet because that's harmful to the baby. So unless God himself keeps me skinny, this kid's pretty much screwed either way.

Anyway, the news that I'm not a freak (at least not physically) especially came as a relief to J. Try as he might, men are just not equipped with any adequate defense for the "I'M FAT" panic attack.

Day #40

2005-02-21T07:38:00.000-08:00

FYI:

"This is day number 40 and you're 6 weeks pregnant!You have 240 days or 34 weeks left, and are 15.0% of the way there.Baby's age since conception is 26 days or 4 weeks. You are due on 10/19/2005.

The first heartbeats have begun! The heart is dividing into chambers and will soon find a more regular rhythm. The embryo itself is about a quarter of an inch long and looks more like a tadpole than a human. It undergoes a tremendous growth spurt this week. Major organs, including the kidneys and liver, begin to grow. Your baby is smaller than a grain of rice, with a beating heart aboutthe size of a poppy seed."

Secret's Out

2005-02-18T11:02:00.000-08:00

To regular readers, it may have appeared that I have not been doing much blogging over the past week. Despite appearances, I have been doing a decent amount of blogging, but have been unable to POST any of it because of the fact that I am aware that my parents read this blog. But now the secret's out of the bag, so all is revealed. To catch up on what an eventful week this has been, please check the following newly posted entries:

Testing, Testing, 1-2-3 (2/14)
Going Digital (2/14)
Valentine's Surprise (2/14)
Good News (2/15)
Like Wow (2/15)
"An-ti-ci-pa-tion..." (insert music here) (2/17)
Brilliant! (2/18)
Announcements (2/18)

PS: I think last night was a whopping success. Both sets of new grandparents are very excited and are now debating over who gets to be "Grandpa" etc. My dad had that giddy smile on his face the whole night and would spontaneously burst into giggles on occasion. I love that. I have to admit that while I'm still warming up to the whole idea, it does help to watch everone else be so excited.

Announcements

2005-02-18T10:30:00.000-08:00

Today is the day that the parents find out they're going to be grandparents. We mailed a package to J's parents that had matching Mariners T-shirts in Mens, Womens, and Baby size. The package is scheduled to be delivered at 7:00 tonight so we'll probably be getting a phone call sometime around then.
We have the same set-up for my parents (except they're Rangers T-shirts) and hopefully will get to deliver the goods and the news tonight, but are unsure because by some irritating coincidence, this is the busiest week of my parents' lives. Dad has been out of town all week on business and they both have activities and committments scheduled over the weekend. So we're hoping they will be available for dinner tonight when he gets in, since it looks like he's going to cancel one of his previous arrangements. But it's tough to say "hey, we need you guys to set aside some time together so we can tell you something VERY IMPORTANT" without giving away the surprise. Especially since my mom asks me if I'm pregnant every time I eat a banana and a pickle within half an hour of each other.
So we're stuck with "hey, are you guys available for dinner, just because, since we haven't seen you all week?" Doesn't exactly inspire "drop everything and go" action, but what can you do.
This has been a very news-filled week. In addition to finding out that our family is growing, two of my closest friends got engaged. One is having a family-only wedding in April, so I don't have to worry about that, but my best friend wants to get married in August. Translate as "my best friend wants to get married when I'm round, fat and grumpy." WHY???
And have you seen the available maternity brides maid dresses? UGH. I hope I don't have to take a black sharpie to all her wedding pictures.