And that makes me special.

I have hit a new revelation. I am the first woman in the history of the world to ever have gone through the first six months of pregnancy.

I draw this conclusion from the fact that apparently I'm the only person in the entire country ever to outgrow the waistline on a regular pair of pants, yet need maternity clothing that isn't abso-freakin-lutely-huge-i-mongous.

Seriously. Normal clothing doesn't fit anymore, but when I walk into a maternity store and try on the smallest size they have available, I could fit three camels and a polar bear in those pants with me. Kids, don't try that at home.

As in, I stand up and the pants don't stand with me. Not gonna happen. So I ask the girl at the counter what they do for women who are in the "in-between" stage and she shows me this thing called a Bella-something. It's basically an ace bandage that you're supposed to wrap around your gianormous pants to hold them on.

Chic. We're talking some serious style.

"Or you can wear your normal pants unbuttoned and put this thing around the top to hold them up."

You have got to be kidding me. You're telling me that after millions and billions and trillions of pregnancies throughout the history of the world, NOBODY has come up with a real solution to the first six months of growing waistline?

I have just decided upon the first living-vicariously-parental-aspiration for my child.